Thursday, June 3, 2010

Tunnel Vision

One of my favorite times of day is cuddling Naomi to sleep. When she climbs into bed and says "lets tuddle" my heart just melts. I love snuggling up to her as she wiggles around trying to find the spot. Which is usually head on my shoulder with one leg draped over my body. lol I love smelling her sweaty head, hearing her soft breath, and feeling her warmth snuggled next to me. Two year old head is a whole different smell from that newborn scent we women like to inhale with long deep breaths. It is a wonderful smell none the less. She smells of play. Of grass, sweat, and dirt. She smells of something only children can accomplish.

Some days bedtime takes only about 15 minutes or so and I cherish every moment of it. It won't be long before she won't want to cuddle with me. She all ready doesn't cuddle much during the day. She is going, going, going all day long. Then there are some days, and thankfully these are few and far between, when bedtime takes about 45 minutes or longer because her mind is going 1,000 miles per hour and she is just trying to process it all. She wiggles and wiggles and can't seem to find the one spot that is comfortable enough to bring sleep. She picks at my freckles and decides every 10 seconds that she wants the blanket and then she doesn't want the blanket. Every sound brings questions and I can literally see her brain working behind her eyes. She whispers to me as I lay there pretending to be asleep. "Mama wats dat?" "Mama dat da titty?" "Yes sweetie thats the kitty, now cuddle, lets sleep." I say as we settle down for another round of where's the sleep spot.

Sometimes I give up and just get out of bed with her but usually I just try and wait it out. I know she is tired and just needs a quiet space to bring some peace to her mind before sleep takes over. These times are quite often not my favorite. In fact they can be downright frustrating. Some days I have had one to many boogers wiped on me and feel incredibly touched out and have Joe put Nomy to bed and some days I just take a deep breath and make a choice. I choose to cuddle my daughter to sleep at night. When I am frustrated that she won't go to sleep when I want her to I tell myself I have a choice. I could choose many other methods for getting her to sleep but I don't.

This post really isn't about the different methods of sleep training or getting children to bed. Its about the sweet smell of my last baby girl. Its about the way her nose wrinkles when she finally drifts off to sleep and I sit and stare at her almost afraid to move because our bed creaks when I get up. Its about the tunnel vision I get staring at her sleeping face. Watching every breath her body takes in and me completely forgetting any frustration the evenings bedtime routine caused. Its like that moment after birth when all we see is our baby and all we feel is love just pouring out of us like its going to spill over and fill the world. We completely forget the moaning, the rocking, the swaying, the in and out of the birth tub. We forget the pain and have tunnel vision that lets us see only one thing for a brief moment.

What a wondrous thing motherhood is.

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